“He Has Been Emotional Cheating With His Co-Worker Emily. What Should I Do?” is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
Emotional Cheating
Michael and Elisabeth have had a hectic lifestyle. He is a consultant who travels frequently and works long hours every day. She is an analyst who works for a private investment firm. The way they connect is very simple—they text each other every day to see if they’ll be able to have dinner with each other.
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That’s practically the only time they’ll get to spend together—that, and the weekends, if they are lucky. Despite the impossible job schedule, Elisabeth never thought her marriage was in trouble.
Why would she? But after a miscarriage, she found out something was terribly wrong with their marriage. Michael had broken her trust, and she was devastated.
Soon after Elisabeth had a miscarriage, she found out that Michael was having an emotional affair with his co-worker, Doris. Elisabeth said the first time she felt something wrong was at the company picnic.She saw Doris giving Michael a hug, and it was more than just a friendly hug.
Michael told Elisabeth she was silly after she mentioned it to him. After that incident, she noticed a long, blond hair on his shirt.
That’s when she confronted Michael again, and this time he confessed that something was going on. He claimed it was just an emotional affair that started after an office party. Both were drunk, and Doris had been dressed provocatively.
After talking with her, he found out that she was into fantasy stuff that he knew his wife would not consider. So he got caught up in the moment and then kissed her. Michael denied ever sleeping with her, though. He said he was upset after the miscarriage and did not have anyone to speak to.
He saw the connection as a way to take a break from the emotional pain. Doris’ ideas about sex and fantasies stimulated him. Upon hearing this, Elisabeth felt like a bomb had been dropped on her. Even though Michael was not having sex with Doris, she felt betrayed.
Michael felt that there was too much pressure to have a baby. He was happy when he found out Elisabeth was pregnant, but it actually had stressed him out. He felt he wasn’t ready for parenthood, and he had never told Elisabeth that.
In spite of all this, he claimed that he did not want to continue the relationship and he wanted to get back with Elisabeth again. Elisabeth is both angry and sad about the situation. Even though Michael insists that the relationship wasn’t a physical one, it still is emotional cheating.
When Friendship Propagate Into An Emotional Concern
When you are betrayed, you have every right to feel angry and sad at the same time; those feelings are normal. But there’s a problem with being angry if you continue to remain angry. It keeps you stuck in your tracks. You cannot move forward.
In order to figure out what went wrong, Elisabeth needs to allow herself to vent and tell Michael exactly how she feels. She needs to get rid of the emotions and lash out, but in a controlled manner. Michael also needs to understand that this is the best way to save his marriage, and deal with it. I call this technique the controlled lash out.
You’re allowed to be furious with your spouse, but you cannot let it continue for more than 10 minutes. When you are done, you move on. Why this technique works so well is that you’re able to tell your spouse exactly how you feel, but it doesn’t continue for more than 10 minutes.
In this way, it gives your spouse some space to think about and assimilate what you’re saying as well as understand how you’re feeling at that time. A prolonged lash out may result in your spouse shutting down and never really understanding your feelings about the situation.
The next step is for Michael to break off all contact with Doris. Michael needs to be clearly told that what he has done is emotional cheating. That this cheating is just as bad as having a physical affair.
It robs the intimacy that Michael and Elisabeth had for each other. That’s why he needs to break off all contact with Doris. This is going to be hard because he works with her. But this needs to happen for two reasons.
Number one, his wife needs to trust him again and there cannot be any reason for her to believe that he is going to stray again. Number two, you never know how far their relationship could go over time. So Michael has to make some critical decisions, either moving to a new department or finding a new job, and making Elisabeth happy by knowing that all contact has been broken off.
Number three, this couple needs to rebuild trust. You may know this, but you need to take small steps—go for small wins. Once you can start trusting each other again your relationship will start healing. Here’s how to do that. Using our couple as an example, Michael should communicate with Elisabeth (even via text or phone call), what his plans are for the week or whether he’ll be staying late at work.
This way, she’ll know upfront what he’s going to be doing, and not make assumptions about things that could push them further apart. This process builds trust, and if Michael keeps his promises, over time, the marriage will heal. The second thing in building trust is making sure Michael shares his feelings with Elisabeth about certain critical issues in their marriage.
Keeping quiet about not being ready to have a baby is a significant feeling that needs to be spoken about. It should not be revealed in an unhealthy situation. When you share your feelings, it helps build the trust process. Finally, Elisabeth needs to take time to heal both emotionally and physically healing. She should start small, even just holding Michael’s hands, and see how she feels in the moment.
Retore Your Marriage
In any marriage, the relationship can turn sour at any moment. Neglect, lack of time together, and how your spouse behaves at critical times may contribute to an emotional affair.
Should that be an issue in your marriage, apply the strategies above, and you will have the opportunity to quickly turn around and save your marriage.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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