I Am In Love With Another Man Who’s Already Married. Please Help Me Dr Ellen is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
I Have A Crush, But I’m Married—Help!
Developing an extramarital crush is something most married people run into at one point in their marriage. While it may, at first, feel innocent, if you don’t handle it correctly, it can lead to issues within your marriage, up to and including divorce.
Not acting on your emotions is an obvious solution, but it’s not as simple as that.
You can’t simply make your emotions go away, and ignoring them usually won’t suffice.
When a married person develops a crush it’s generally a sign of something that is not going right with the relationship.
Perhaps there is a lack of trust, or one partner feels neglected or may be bored with the other. No matter the cause, you need to find a solution.
Let’s take a look at an example to help illuminate why this is so important.
Meet Maria, a married, stay-at-home mom. For a long time it has been her routine to bring her children to the supermarket on Wednesdays, right after the clerks restock the produce, so she and the kids can all shop together. But recently, Maria began hiring a babysitter and going to the grocery store alone.
Why?
Maria has taken a liking to one of the grocery store employees. Over the year that she visited that particular market, she has struck up a few conversations with him and has now found that she has what she considers an innocent crush.
He’s younger, and he gives her attention. So who can blame her? But she was in love with another man.
It’s good that Maria was able to be upfront with me about her feelings for another man. When we talked further about the situation, she told me that she and her husband had been arguing a lot lately, and that he hasn’t been paying as much attention to her as he used to.
Naturally, Maria sought out attention elsewhere, and feels that she didn’t really do anything wrong since it was merely harmless flirting in the store.
Flirtation is human nature
Now, as true as it is that flirtation is human nature, being married is a commitment and acting on an external crush is breaking that commitment. Maria confided in me that sometimes, when she’s home alone, she’ll think about the store clerk and smile.
That’s a breach of marital trust. That’s being in love with another man. While she hasn’t acted physically on her urges, Maria is cheating on her husband emotionally and is asking for trouble.
Have you found yourself thinking about someone other than your spouse? Maybe, like Maria, you’ve convinced yourself that these feelings are innocent and natural. But you need to take action to ensure this doesn’t damage your marriage. Because once it does, there’s no turning back.
Here’s what you need to do. It’s not going to be easy, but it will guarantee that your marriage will continue to be your number one priority.
First, tell your spouse that you have developed a crush on another person. I know what you’re thinking—they’re going to be extremely upset, feel threatened and maybe even walk out on you. But put yourself in their shoes.
If they had a crush on someone else, would you rather they kept it a secret or let you know so you could work through it together?
Most extramarital crushes grow out of an unidentified, underlying need within the marriage. Maria, for instance, wanted more attention from her husband. It doesn’t mean she loves her husband any less, she just doesn’t feel like she can voice her needs to him and has therefore sought an external source to satiate them.
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., did research on the brain activity of people in love compared to that of people who’ve fallen out of love. She found that the prefrontal cortex, where most of our thinking occurs, was less active in the brains of people who weren’t in love.
Those who worked on their relationships and stayed in love were literally better at using their brains than those who let their relationships fall by the wayside.
Simply stated, you have to fake it to make it.
If you have a crush on someone
Try this: If you have a crush on someone—no matter how innocent you think it may be—redirect that affection toward developing a crush on your spouse. Whenever your crush pops into your mind, remind yourself of something small that your spouse does that turns you on.
Can’t think of anything? Fake it. You know what you like, and you have an imagination. Focus on things your partner could do to keep you interested, and you’ll find yourself growing more and more attracted to your spouse.
If your affections have started to stray, you likely need to add excitement to your relationship. That’s an ideal way regarding how to save a relationship from falling apart. Fantasizing about your partner as the object of your crush is one great way to do this.
Another good way is to try a new activity—going to the gym, taking a cooking class, or taking so dancing lessons—creates a new experience for both of you and adds excitement to the relationship.
Don’t let an innocent crush bring your marriage to the knees. Do something today to change your feelings and grow closer to your spouse.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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