How To Save A Relationship Without Scarifying Your Happiness Or You Doing All The Work is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
How To Release Your Marriage From A Gridlock Of Problems
I’d like you to meet Daniel and Chloe, a couple who has come to an impasse with conflict in their marriage. Like many couples, they’re caught in a gridlock of problems and can’t seem to find an exit.
I’m going to share their story with you and how our audio programs helped them back to a healthy relationship.
If your marriage is hitting a wall with constant conflict, you need to read Chloe and Daniel’s story to learn how to save a relationship.
Picture this: Chloe and Daniel are almost nose to nose in the kitchen of their home, arguing with each other about taking out the recyclables.
Their friends, family and kids are in the dining room, waiting for them to return so they can enjoy a nice meal together.
Chloe is insisting that Daniel use two separate bags, one for metal objects and the other one for paper.
Daniel is furious that Chloe is wasting time, arguing that the recyclables smell awful and just need to be removed from the house.
It’s the same scene over and over again atDaniel and Chloe’s home. The details may be different— it could be neglect, TV, sex or money— but the bickering is always the same. The couple feel like they’re in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving one scene over and over again.
We call this situation the marriage gridlock, and it’s a very common problem with married couples. Like two wrestlers unable to take each other down, but unwilling to give up their grip, only a referee can make a call once marriage has come to this situation.
So that question is, how to save a relationship in this situation?
Since neither spouse is willing to step down, nor are they open to hearing their partner’s perspective, something like my audio programs have to come into play and fix the issues.
Like every other couple in a marriage gridlock, Daniel and Chloe don’t have the skills to call a truce. This is a crucial skill to overcoming marriage gridlock. They definitely received my help and so can you.
Follow these steps to save your relationship
First, stop screaming. Even if it means you stay silent for a long period of time, you and your spouse need to stop raising your voices at one another. Once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be able to have a mature, constructive conversation. But until then, you’re better off closing your mouth than resorting to yelling.
Next, change your perspective on fighting. Many married people feel like they’re always on the defensive, and this can lead to instigating fights. Instead, be Smokey the Bear for your marriage fires and make a conscious effort to extinguish fights.
Walking away from a tense situation is always better than engaging your spouse when they’re irate. Start doing this today and you’ll be one step closer to freeing your marriage from the gridlock.
Finally, put your relationship ahead of your pride. This is very difficult, even for couples whose relationship isn’t caught up in a gridlock. You need to understand that part of being married means meeting your spouse half way a lot of the time, and sometimes letting them just have their way.
I’m not telling you to give up, and I’m not asking you to be weak. But for the sake of your marriage, you need to know when it’s appropriate to step back and put the marriage ahead of being right.
Sit down with your spouse and talk through these three steps together. While it will be difficult to agree, starting the conversation is the only way to start the road to recovery.
Once you and your spouse are on the same page—not yelling, diffusing fights and learning when to walk away from your pride—you can begin to work on the relationship.
Saving a relationship takes time
This process takes time. Daniel and Chloe had a lot to unlearn and then re-learn what really will work for them. If you go down the same path, you will find success as well.The key is someone needs to take the 1st step. Start small and be realistic about your progress.
For example, let’s say you ask your spouse to make taco salad for dinner. While they’re preparing it, you notice they’re not chopping the vegetables as finely as you prefer. Instead of telling them what they’re doing wrong—which will likely lead to an unnecessary argument—step back and ask yourself if this fight is worth fighting.
I know it seems silly from an outside perspective, but in the heat of the moment something as small as unchopped vegetables can be a trigger for conflict.
Once you learn to stop micromanaging and let go of the need to be right, your relationship will start to turn toward a sunnier outlook immediately. That’s the secret about how to keep your relationship strong.
With the right focus and taking baby steps, you and your spouse can release yourselves from the marriage gridlock and enjoy a long, happy life together.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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