How Do I Save My Relationship When My Mother-In-Law Wants Me Out? is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
My Mother-in-Law is Driving Our Marriage Apart
A married couple usually cares deeply about their family members. But our families, and especially parents, can be masters at pushing our emotional buttons.
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And when those buttons are pushed, a couple will typically react in a way that has the wrong effect on their marriage.
Mickey realizedthat two years into his marriage to Maria, he’s actually married to his mother-in-law as well, and he’s starting to push back hard with his wife.
So hard, in fact, that he is about to lose her. Maria is at her mom’s beck and call.
Mom is living alone in an apartment and Maria feels the need to do everything to take care of her since she’s only five miles away. Maria’s mom knows this and makes her daughter feel guilty so she does things for her.
When Mickey does not get the attention he feels he deserves, he reminds Maria of all that she has done for her mom that she is being manipulated and then explodes into a tantrum. One time, he was so angry; he kicked and broke a chair.
This type of behavior has been going on for weeks. Maria has been left to clean up the mess between both her and her husband.
She has to tell her mom that she’ll still support her, and at the same time, she has to tell white lies to Mickey to calm him down and make it seem as if he’s getting his way.
But this is taking an emotional toll on Maria. She’s constantly upset. She is constantly in a struggle figuring out how to save my relationship.
From Mickey’s perspective, Maria’s mom isthe enemy. She’s trying to control their lives and she’s creating tension in their marriage. Maria’s parents were demanding when she was growing up. Maria was the peacemaker in her parents’ relationship.
Now that she’s married, she feels that it’s her job to make peace with Mickey and her mom. The way she handles each issue makes them happy and resolves the situation for a short period, but the deck is stacked against her.
The real problem has not been solved, so her situation is like a ticking time bomb. And the fighting consumes her thoughts so much that she doesn’t feel happy anymore. If she doesn’t make a change, she will soon become an emotional wreck with a broken marriage.
You cannot save your marriage this way, by trying to make other people happy, instead of putting your marriage first. What really needs to be done here is that Mickey and Marianeed to do is sit down and figure this out together.
Take better control of the situation
Maria alone can’t fix this. She cannot change Mickey or her mother. You can control your own behavior but not someone else’s. What you can do is control how your react to others ‘demands. The way to repair her relationship with her husband is to take better control of the situation. So, here’s the way she should do that.
1. Set limits tactfully. The first thing she needs to do is to tell her mom what she can and can’t do. For example, say, “Mom, I cannot take you to the store today, but I can do it on Sunday from four to five. ” By doing this, she communicates a willingness to help, and indicates the best she can do for her.
2. Make your spouse your ally. Figure out how to save my relationship. When you fight battles, both of you need to be on the same page. So, when you have a member of your family who is causing constant battles in your marriage, the first thing you need to do is take control of the battle yourself.
In this case, Mickey wasfighting the battles for Maria by getting angry. He didn’t even realize that by getting involved in the battles, he was infringing on Maria’sterritory and pushing her away.
He thought he was helping when in fact he was making the situation worse. Maria needs to take over and give Mickey clear direction as to how she’s going to handle the situation.
Maria is the one who needs to fight the battles with her mom. In this way, she will feel more confident abouther ability to deal with challenging situations in the future.
Saving a marriage separation that is dealing with conflict among three parties, especially when one party is a family member, is a challenge. The best way to handle it is to set roles, set limits, let one person lead the battle, and move forward as best you can.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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