A Problem Worse Than Fighting Leads To Marriage Separation is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
The Silent Killer – Silence
Almost every married couple gets into arguments because of their differing opinions. It’s natural, but, sometimes can feel exhausting and damaging to the relationship. In fact, most couples’ worst fear is that the bickering in their marriage will lead to separation or divorce.
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But what most couples don’t fear is the silent killer—silence.
When a couple stops communicating altogether, the marriage is in much worse trouble. Most marriages that end in divorce do so not because of constant fighting, but due to a total breakdown in communication.
When couples stop speaking, that’s when the real trouble begins. Jerry and Joselyn can attest to that.
Just 18 months after their wedding day, Jerry and Joselyn found their marriage changing for the worse. Jerry, who worked at a law firm, was promoted and had to relocate to a new city.
Around the same time, Joselyn discovered that she was pregnant. The couple agreed that it was best for Joselyn to leave her job when they had to move to a new city.
However, once they settled into their new home, Jerry became engulfed in his job. He worked 14-hour days and rarely took a weekend off in an effort to impress his new boss. Meanwhile, Joselyn was alone in a new place, pregnant and scared.
She tried confronting her husband about her newfound loneliness, but he was rarely available to talk and, when he was home, he was too tired to listen and instead shut her out and ignored her.
From Jerry’s point of view, Joselyn was ungrateful. He was making good money and working tirelessly to support her and the child they had on the way. So, he ignored her cries for help, and after a while, she stopped trying to reach out to him.
Three years later, Joselyn was pregnant with their second child and ran into medical complications. She was instructed to stay in bed for six months, and once again found herself lonely and ignored by her husband. Jerry, who was now very close to being promoted to partner at the law firm where he was, proceeded to go to work functions and parties without his wife, eager still to prove himself to his boss.
By this point in the marriage, Joselyn saw clearly that Jerry put his career before his family. She had long since stopped trying to connect to Jerry, and he rarely spoke a word to her, either.
Finally, after their second child was born and Joselyn was back on her feet, she took a stand against her husband. She delivered an ultimatum to her husband: either become involved in the family, or we need a marriage separation.
Jerry, a lawyer through and through, wanted to negotiate with his wife’s terms. He didn’t understand how serious the situation was.
As you can see, meaningful communication had completely disappeared. Remember the old days, when car radios received their signals from a simple metal antenna?
If that antenna went awry, you could kiss your radio stations goodbye, but you never knew the antenna was defective until one day you turn the channel and… nothing, just static.
That’s what happened in Jerry and Jocelyn’s marriage. Jerry didn’t realize that he and Joselyn were on entirely different wavelengths until the signal was completely lost and it was too late.
This is a problem for many couples like Jerry and Jocelyn. This breakdown in communication can be attributed to both of the spouses having differing agendas.
In Jerry case, he is working night and day to support his family because he feels that is the most important thing for him to do. Joselyn, on the other hand, feels that being close and connected are the most crucial parts of their relationship.
Having different needs and expectations in a marriage is good. It creates an opportunity for couples to learn from each other and grow together.
However, having separate agendas is very different, and when signals get mixed—like with Jerry and Joselyn’s case, things can and do fall apart. Going through a marriage separation is never a good answer. In fact, it usually makes things worse.
What couples like this need to learn to do is two things: First, wipe the agenda off the table completely. It’s not conducive to a healthy relationship and will only further problems in the relationship.
Next, these couples need to learn to listen emotionally. That means being silent while the other is talking, listening to what their spouse is saying, and repeating what they say back to them in a way that acknowledges that they understand.
Until both parties set their agendas aside, emotional listening cannot occur. And until emotional listening happens in the relationship, the couple cannot begin to repair their issues.
Going back to Joselyn and Jerry’s relationship, it all boils down to admitting there is a problem and acknowledging that they need to move forward as a team. Then, the real work can begin.
Repairing a marriage
Repairing a marriage means that meaningful communication has to start happening again. It could be as easy as spending a few minutes each night listening and sharing thoughts about the day each of you had, or perhaps taking some time off from work together, to connect again when you know something is not quite right.
Maybe it’s just a night out together enjoying each other’s company or something bigger, like a weekend away together. It’s not the how that matters, but simply the act of doing.
There is nothing better that can happen to a married couple than to feel close and connected. That’s how it felt when you first fell in love and that feeling can stay alive for your entire lives together. You just need to make it a priority in your lives.
Don’t let lack of communication be the silent killer that ends your marriage. Take steps today to get your relationship back on track.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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