Tips To Save A Marriage When A Spouse’s Careers Takes Over is a post from: Save Your Marriage When Everything Else Fails Try This
Has Making A Career Change Affected Your Marriage For The Worse? Fix It. Here’s How…
Big changes in your life can put a severe strain on your marriage. At first, your spouse may support your decision and think it is fine, but once it begins to affect the dynamic of your relationship, they could change their mind.
In many cases, their reservations come too late and it causes conflict within the relationship.
Sound familiar? Let’s look at an example and explore some ways to combat this difficult issue.
Samantha is 45 years old. She’s been working in the same field for a long time and thinks it’s time for a career change. She’s been married for 12 years and has two children with her husband, Tim.
Samantha decided one day that she had enough and quit her job. She wanted to open a fitness center and be a weight loss instructor. In her ideal world, this would mean she could be at home in the mornings and evenings with her children.
Although, in her old position, Samantha earned more than her husband, making her the breadwinner for the family, she made the move to become a weight loss instructor because she felt like it would make it easier to provide for her husband and children.
But the relationship instead changed and her decision to switch careers put severe pressure on her and Tim. The couple became so strained that they stopped speaking for fear that it would just land them in an argument or worse, divorce court.
Tim, who was a freelance representative for a company, started working from home. At first, Samantha liked the idea of Tim being home all the time because she imagined it would give them more time together as a family. Because of that, she supported this change.
So now, both Samantha and Tim have changed their roles as breadwinners in the relationship, and it’s making their marriage a nightmare.
According to Tim, Samantha has made no effort to adjust her lifestyle even though she’s making significantly less money in her new job than she did in her previous one. Samantha, on the other hand, is pressuring Tim to spend more time with the family, finish work by six at night, and be a more attentive husband.
Breaking point in marriage
The marriage reached a breaking point when Tim accused Samantha of having her own agenda and wanting things that he could not deliver. Samantha was disappointed and extremely frustrated because, as she saw it, Tim agreed to a set of terms and then rescinded his support. Things needed to change.
We have several tips to save a marriage like this one. The first one is Understanding. It must begin with Understanding.
If your relationship has ever run into difficulty after you or your spouse made a big change, don’t worry. It’s not your fault. In fact, it’s actually good news if your spouse is withdrawn after a big change.
Sounds crazy, right? Let me explain. We’ll go back to Tim and Samantha for an example.
In Tim and Samantha’s marriage—and in most marriages that hit this rut— Tim never had the time to recover from the big changes that came with Samantha switching careers. What he needed was for her to be more understanding and giving him enough time to adjust.
How to test your marriage strength
Think about your marriage like a muscle. In order to strengthen it, you need to put a lot of strain on it and then let it recover. However, if you put a lot of strain on it while it’s still recovering, it can destroy the muscle beyond repair.
Do you see now how withdrawal from conflict is actually good for your marriage?
Look at it from Tim’s perspective: He used to be comfortable in and understand his role in the marriage. Then, suddenly, the tables turned and he had to get used to an entirely different dynamic.
A few more tips to save a marriage
First, convince your spouse that what you’re doing is right by letting them figure it out for themselves. Just give your spouse some room to discover how the changes will affect them, and allow them time to react to the new situation.
Next, avoid setting unrealistic expectations. Samantha wanted Tim to stop working at a certain time, spend lots of time with her and the kids, and be more present in the marriage.
She expected him to change all of this overnight, as quickly as she changed jobs. But this expectation was impossible. She was setting him up to fail.
Instead, Samantha and Tim needed to sit down together and do the final step:
Set up clear direction of where you want the relationship to go. Sit down with your spouse and make a list of changes that are going to happen, and the pros and cons of each. Then, discuss how you’ll handle each change and the problems that may arise with it.
Compromise for a happy marriage
Be prepared to compromise and don’t forget that the final result should be a happy marriage. You may have to give a little ground here and there, but it’s worth it if it brings you and your spouse closer after a devastating change occurs in your marriage.
Once you can prove to your spouse that you are an ally in the relationship, they’ll look to you as someone they can work with, not someone they constantly have to push against.
You see, Samantha demanded that Tim accept all these new responsibilities without demonstrating that she was on his side, which caused him to feel alone. The way he reacted was a defense to feeling insecure about his new role in the relationship.
In my 9 hour audio program, Light His Fire, we’ve created an entire section devoted to showing you step-by-step ways to cut through your spouse’s resistance.
If you download the program, you’ll learn the right words to use and the right approaches to take in every situation that can come up in a marriage, including this one.
By Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D
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How to create the element of surprise, it’s make your spouse change quickly
How To Avoid The Biggest Mistakes Couples Make
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